Dumbass warning labels

As you already know from my constant whining, it is summer and I am bored out of my mind. So... I found another stupid thing to amuse myself with today, and that stupid thing was assembling a list of the most dumbass (and slightly disturbing) warning labels. With snarky commentary of course. Lesson: sarcasm is fun.

On a box of Poptarts- "After heating, contents will be hot." (Damn, you mean that won't cool them off?)
On a hairdryer- "do not use in shower" and "do not use while sleeping" (what? People don't like being electrocuted?)
On a box of sleeping pills- "warning! May cause sleepiness." (...there's really nothing I can say for this)
On a knife- "warning, do not insert into genital." (that hurts to think about)
On an Aim-n-Flame fireplace lighter- "do not use near fire, flame, or sparks" (but, but, but I need it to light the fire)
On a bottle of Hydrochloric acid- "Caution: not for use in aiding digestion" (That would totally help with digestion. Everything would go right through you. Literally.)
On a tag for a Superman cape- "Warning: cape does not enable user to fly" (Then I want my money back!)
On a Battery- "Caution: do not improperly charge or dispose of in fire, battery may explore or leak" (where will it explore)
On a label on a curling iron- "for external use only"and "warning: this product can burn eyes" (umm... I don't even want to know where else you'd be putting that curling iron)
On a wheelbarrow wheel- "not intended for highway use" (dammit.)
On a package of Chinese lanterns- "this product for indoor or outdoor use only" (as opposed to what? Outer space?)
On a bag of grapes- "Please store in the cold section of the refridgerator" (Not the hot section of course)
On a tube of deodorant- "do not use intimately" (no matter how lonely you are)
On another lighter- "do not light in face" and "do not expose to flame" (unless you want to go all Two Faced on the world)
On a box of dice- "not for human consumption" (but your dogs can totally eat them)
On a package of peanuts- "warning: may contain nuts" (well I should hope so.)
On a box of bottle rockets- "do not put in mouth" (Do not practice fellatio on)
On a box of fruit roll-ups- "Remove plastic before eating" (.......)
On a TV remote control- "Not dishwasher safe" (but then how do I wash it?)
On a wristwatch- "warning! This is not underwear! Do not attempt to put in pants" (this one just speaks for itself)
On a car commercial- "Always drive on roads, not on people" (this is not GTA, people!)
On a washing machine- "Do not put any person in this washer" (can I put my cat in?)
On a package of screwdrivers- "6PCS Precision screwdriver set not to be inserted into penis" (I'm not a guy, but that sounds very painful even to me)
On an ipod shuffle- "Do not eat ipod shuffle" (but I'm so hungry!)
On a bottle of dog pills- "Use care when operating a car" and "alcohol may intensify this effect" (why is my dog drinking and driving? Bailey! What have you been up to?)
On a chainsaw- "do not hold the wrong end of a chainsaw" (if you do, you'll win a Darwin award.)
On an oven- "all ranges can tip if you or your child stand, sit, or lean on an open door" (please don't put your children in the oven)

If y'all think of anymore, comment or email me and tell me because maybe I'll make a sequel to this list.

Love,

Alice

Compiled with the assistance of:
http://www.oddee.com/item_88437.aspx
http://www.rinkworks.com/said/warnings.shtml
and Josilynn. Like always.

in which I discuss my weirdass dreams

Okay, so just so you know, 98% of my dreams are really fucking weird and make no sense whatsoever. I feel this is unfair, considering the fact that my girlfriend's dreams make sense a majority of the time, as well with almost everyone I know (save Aerial). Sometimes my dreams are good weird, sometimes they are nightmare-ish weird. If you doubt that someone's dreams can be really fucking weird all the time, I am here to prove you wrong. If you are bored out of your mind, I am here to entertain you with queerness. (and dammit I am using that word with its original meaning. If you don't know it, look it up.) Note that not all of these happened in the same night.

Dream #1
Mash up with Harry Potter and Power Rangers, where we had to journey under a volcano on the edge of Hogwarts' grounds. Once we arrived at the volcano, we observed people jumping in at the top and coming back out as flowers.

Dream #2
I am at a water park with an elephant and all of my cousins, and we are hopelessly lost. The elephant ditches us to go on a water slide. I am then separated from my cousins and wander around to a swing set where I meet Amy Lee. We have a long conversation before she abruptly jumps up and says "Oh shit, I have to get a pen!" I return to the water park and watch the elephant try to squeeze into a tube.

Dream #3
So there were these demon socks and I was trying to get them to behave, because they were tormenting the non-demon socks... and then my girlfriend calls me and asks me if I'm going to Hana Pestle's show and I was like, no, I have to deal with these demon socks. And so then I realize the lawyer demon socks were trying to con some non-demon socks out of their neighborhood and while I'm trying to sort that out Hana Pestle calls and asks if I'm coming to see her play, and I had to say, no, I was very sorry, and I wanted to see her but I couldn't go. She asked why and I told her about the demon socks and she was like, "wow, that sucks. bye." And I was left to deal with the demon socks all by myself, and had to go into hiding with some of the non-demon socks to save them from the demon socks.

Dream #4
Some bizarre mix of Evanescence and Spongebob that took place on a rocket ship.

Dream #5
I was hanging out with the guys of Evanescence, past and present. Okay, well, some of them. Not all. I believe it was John, Terry, Ben, and Tim. Weird grouping, right? But it made perfect sense in the dream. I don't know why I was hanging out with them, or what was going on, but it was epically awesome.

And now you know how weird dreams can get. Maybe I'll post some other ones sometime.

Love, 

Alice

in which I have nothing important to say

So, having nothing important to say is an overstatement. In fact, I have absolutely nothing to say. I added classes to my fall schedule, I'm freaking out over my placement audition in August, and.... that's about it. What a waste of a blog entry.

Lesson: don't waste virtual space.

love,

(a very bored) Alice

1000 days

Today marks 1000 days since the last time I purged. That's right, 1000 fucking days, bitches. Ahem. 1,000 days is a lot of days, in case you didn't know. It seems especially long when you consider the idea I didn't think I could go anymore than 10 days without throwing up. But 10 days turned to 20 and 20 days turned to 50, and 50 days turned to 100, and then somehow 100 turned into 365 and I had made it an entire year. Once you get to a year, you get that much more determined to not fuck it up. Seriously, one year without purging only to fall flat on my face again would probably have led to a full fledged relapse. But, aha, then it became 2 years without purging and my determination grew, because that would make me feel even worse falling down after two years than it would have after one.

Today is 1000 days and this September will mark three years, all I have to say is: holy fucking shit

love,

Alice

Recovery Playlist

Hope For The Hopeless- A Fine Frenzy
Dream On- Aerosmith
Change- Carrie Underwood
Everybody's Fool- Evanescence
All That I'm Living For- Evanescence
Listen To The Rain- Evanescence
Lies- Evanescence
Lies (Remake)- Evanescence
The Only One- Evanescence
Where Will You Go (EP)- Evanescence
Where Will You Go- Evanescence
Seasons Of Love- RENT
Seasons Of Love B- RENT
Finale B- RENT
Love Heals- RENT
Gravity- Sara Bareilles
King of Anything- Sara Bareilles
Uncharted- Sara Bareilles
Let the Rain- Sara Bareilles
One Girl Revolution- Superchick
Stand in the Rain- Superchick
Beauty From Pain-  Superchick
Change- Taylor Swift
Long Live- Taylor Swift
Stay Beautiful- Taylor Swift
Circle of Life- Lion King
Stand My Ground- Within Temptation
Defying Gravity- Wicked
Keep Holding On- Glee Cast
True Colors- Glee Cast
Smile- Glee Cast
These Two Hands (live and EP)- Hana Pestle
Rain- Hana Pestle
Never Learned To Lie- Hana Pestle
Wheel In The Sky- Journey
Firework- Katy Perry
Pearl- Katy Perry
Addicted- Kelly Clarkson
Breakaway- Kelly Clarkson
Hello World- Lady Antebellum
Born This Way- Lady Gaga
The Edge Of Glory- Lady Gaga
I Have A Dream- Amanda Seyfried
Virginia Bluebell- Miranda Lambert
Kerosene- Miranda Lambert
Stronger- Britney Spears
Country Strong- Gwyneth Paltrow
Bring On The Rain- Jo Dee Messina
It's Only Life- Kate Voegele
Rise Above This- Seether
Dear Friend- Staci Orrico
Never Too Late- Three Days Grace
Life Support- RENT
Will I- RENT

Dear ED

Dear ED,

I would like to start off by letting you know that you would make me very happy if you jumped off a cliff and died. I would also like to let you know, fuck you for having me so damn twisted into you that I don't know what I would do if you suddenly disappeared from my life. How did you do that? How did you sneak into my brain like that? How did you make yourself a part of me? Because you have.You're a part of me and you always will be, but that doesn't mean that I'm not going to fight you every single day with everything I have. I am. I'm not going to give into you and this relapse ends now. You aren't going to rule my world anymore, I'm not going to sit back and watch you take over me like you've done so many times before. Tell me how fat and worthless I am all you want, I might agree now but that doesn't mean I'm going to let you take my life away from me. That's all you want, you're not my friend. You tell me you are, and that you're never going to leave me even when the rest of the world will but that's not true. You're not my friend and you never were. The only thing you've "helped me" do is destroy myself and I'm done. You want my life, well you can't fucking have it. You can't have it. You took Lauren's life away from her. You took a mother from her children, a wife from her husband, a sister from her sister, a daughter from her mother, and a friend from the people that love her. You took her away and that was when I knew you weren't my friend. I hate you. I hate you for taking her away. I hate you for telling me to hate myself. I hate you for stealing so many parts of my life away. I hate you for making me feel worthless. I hate you for making Emily your ally. I hate you for making my friends cry. I hate you I hate you I hate you!!! Fuck off and never come fucking back. We're done. You can scream all you want but I'm not listening. I'm listening to the people who love me instead.

</3,
Alice

and....

Alice vs. ED: Round __

if you tell yourself it's a bad idea, it's probably a bad idea

Seriously. That's your whole lesson: follow your intuition. If the little voice inside your head says this is a really bad idea, it's most likely a really bad idea and you shouldn't do it.

Secondly, can someone give me a lesson in deleting blog posts?

love,

Alice

hmmm.... someone see anything wrong with this?

To show you how much of a "perfect boyfriend" Edward Cullen is:

You may be in an abusive relationship if he or she:

Is jealous or possessive toward you.

Tries to control you by being very bossy or demanding.

Tries to isolate you by demanding you cut off social contacts and friendships.

Is violent and / or loses his or her temper quickly.

Pressures you sexually, demands sexual activities you are not comfortable with.

Abuses drugs or alcohol.

Claims you are responsible for his or her emotional state. (This is a core diagnostic criteria for Codependency.)

Blames you when he or she mistreats you.

Has a history of bad relationships.

Your family and friends have warned you about the person or told you that they are concerned for your safety or emotional well being.

You frequently worry about how he or she will react to things you say or do.

Makes "jokes" that shame, humiliate, demean or embarrass you, whether privately or around family and friends.

Your partner grew up witnessing an abusive parental relationship, and/or was abused as a child.

Your partner "rages" when they feel hurt, shame, fear or loss of control.

	You leave and then return to your partner repeatedly, against the advice of your friends, family and loved ones.
	You have trouble ending the relationship, even though you know inside it's the right thing to do.

Does the person you love...

• constantly keep track of your time?

• act jealous and possessive?

• accuse you of being unfaithful or flirting?

• discourage your relationships with friends and family?

• prevent or discourage you from working, interacting with friends or attending school?

• constantly criticize or belittle you?

• control all finances and force you to account for what you spend? (Reasonable cooperative budgeting excepted.)

• humiliate you in front of others? (Including "jokes" at your expense.)

• destroy or take your personal property or sentimental items?

• have affairs?

• threaten to hurt you, your children or pets? Threaten to use a weapon?

• push, hit, slap, punch, kick, or bite you or your children?

• force you to have sex against your will, or demand sexual acts you are uncomfortable with?

in which I unapologize

If you do not listen to Carrie Underwood, you probably have no idea what unapologizing is: it's simply taking back an apology, from when you were not really sorry. There are a shit-ton of several people that I would like to unapologize to.

-Sabrina, after apologizing for so many things that I wasn't actually sorry for that I cannot possibly recall or blog here. One example, I really am not sorry for telling you not to touch me. Personal space, ever heard of it?

-Reagan, I actually am not sorry for exploding with built up tension, I'm really not sorry for keeping you in the dark about my anorexia. So there.

-Ryan, you fucking psycho, I'm not sorry for telling you to never speak or come near to me again. Because if this happens again I will get a restraining order.

-My dad, when I told him I was sorry for keeping in contact with Indigo. I loved her, I wasn't sorry in the slightest.

-My entire biological family on my bio-dad's side. Really, let me alone.

-My family when I barely restrained cussing them all out after not going to Sam's wedding; now I wish I had. Also, so not sorry for keeping you in the dark about 90% of my life.

-Both Hodges and Foster.

-Pretty much everyone I've done a group project with

-everyone I've ever apologized to for how I truly felt. That's what I felt, and I'm not sorry I felt it.

Thus, I take back all my apologies to all of you listed. I'm not sorry for publicly blogging this either. If you didn't want everyone to know about the things you did, you should have never done them in the first place. When Rose comes out, this will all come out and I certainly will not be sorry for that.

love (to my actual friends),

Alice